Ever mindful of being mindful in order to signal my superiority at mindfulness, I will now be wearing the most masks to prove that I can wear the most masks. If two masks is better than one like the CDC says, then surely four or five are even better still. As the most mindful person, I’m duty-bound to support all baseless ideas that sound good, like wearing a whole bunch of extra masks for… duh… extra protection.

There’s really no limit to how many masks you should wear, except for perhaps the number of masks you can carry. If you’re…

Have you ever wondered what all those smart economists who set fiscal policy really know? Given that the solutions they propose are often exactly opposite of my layman’s thinking, I sure have.

Maybe they’re driven by some personal or party agenda. Maybe they’re scared for their jobs like a lot of people are, and they figure short-term results are a better way to hang on a little longer than worrying about any long-term implications.

I’m wasting my breath speculating about their reasons. We don’t even really know the minds of those closest to us like our wives and children. …

A certain pliability spokesman is causing widespread misery in the sports world yet again, in turn bringing this contrarian great joy at all the jealousy and manufactured suffering. Go ahead and be that way if you want, but you’re missing the greatest sports story of our lifetimes.

This is Babe Ruth, Joe Louis, Wayne Gretsky, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, or any of the other all-time greats, and you’re stubbornly turning your back because you think he “wins too much.” Well yeah… that winning part is the whole point of greatness.

I can’t even believe I’m addressing DeflateGate, but let’s just…

I recently read a book titled Blood Feud about the infamous battles between the Hatfields and McCoys on the border between West Virginia and Kentucky in the heart of Appalachia in the late 1800s. Author, Lisa Alther, points out that ninety-two silent films featuring feuding mountaineers were made between 1905 and 1928 following the feud’s conclusion in 1891.

At the end of these films, feudists were usually arrested, and “…after a brief flirtation with anarchy, urban audiences emerged from the darkness of the movie theaters knowing that they were different from, and superior to, these vicious outlaws prowling the Southern…

From mid-November until the end of March, Jeff Dimsky never leaves the house without wearing his trusty snow hat. That might have made sense during the hellacious winter of ’78.

We’re not really sure though. Our worthless intern couldn’t find anyone who remembered. We’re not even sure he tried.

But in 2020, one of the mildest winters we do remember, Dimsky stood out as quite the odd bird traipsing around in winter garb while everyone else enjoyed an early spring in short sleeves.

“Oh yeah, we know who he is,” said neighbor Jane Adams as she smoothed the topsoil around…

I really don’t think any of us needs to be any more woke on controversial issues like police misconduct. We’re all plenty woke already.

Did I mention I hate using words incorrectly like the cool kids do? Using correct grammar is cool, tool. Speaking like an idiot isn’t.

But back to the point I’m making. How could we not be “woke” if you must state it that way? We’re bombarded everywhere we turn. These issues are there when we watch the television news. They’re there when we scroll our social media feeds.

Unless your family enacted some play nice moratorium…

I sure am glad I live in an era when anyone can be offended by anything, because right now I’m determined to be offended by nothing and I know that my grievance will not just be given lip service but will be acted upon with way more seriousness than it deserves, which is none.

I’ve had a vendetta against the Dallas Cowboys since they pompously proclaimed themselves America’s Team way back in 1979, and I’ve been lying in wait for my opportunity to bring them to their knees ever since. …

A troubled boy walks into a school and shoots it full of holes, killing several of his classmates and two teachers before turning the gun on himself. A few of the dead knew the boy, while others reportedly never interacted with him at all.

I wish I were just introducing the plot to a macabre short story. Unfortunately, some variation of this unimaginable horror has actually occurred in the United States many times dating back to the mid-1800s.

Columbine in 1999 might have been one of my first exposures, but school shootings have continued with jaw-dropping frequency throughout the first…